"Smoke"

 

The First Season

Mort awoke in a fevered sweat and listened for applause, but heard only the soft wet breathing of the air conditioner. So there it was, "Smoke" in his dreams again. Always like that: the minor-key version of the "Thinking Song" unwinds to its last note, dum-dum-dah, the mind is empty, Ned says, "So what's it going to be, Mort?" and the answer comes, it just comes, God knows where it comes from, but there it is again: "Is it the Battle of Bull Run, Ned?" Ned's face is blank for a terrible wonderful second, he frowns just a hair -- not so that anyone could see it on TV, but up close Mort sees it and is stricken with fear -- and then suddenly Ned erupts, "Mort-that's-absolutely-correct!" and the money bags fall, and the funny version of the "Thinking Song" strikes up, and Ned puts the golden nightcap on Mort's head, and the audience is delirious, they're chanting "Mort Mort Mort . . . " and it's real again: winning on "Smoke."

Winning and winning and winning, winning forever, Champion forever, undefeated King of "Smoke."

In the gloom Mort groped for his watch. 5:55 again. He always awoke just before his wife called, awoke in time to steel himself, to remind himself of his new life as Champion. "This is my dream come true," he would say, just like yesterday, just like every day. He stumbled out of bed and stood at the window in his pajamas, squinting through the venetian blinds, at the neon sign across the parking lot. Some local boys had made a ritual of smashing the M's with rocks; it was just about light enough now for "The Tru peter's Ar s otor Hotel" to materialize into "The Trumpeter's Arms Motor Hotel."

The phone rang, and he let it ring a few times before picking it up.

"Ingrid," he said to his wife.

"Marion," replied the voice, so familiar and so strange, a voice from some other time and place . . . from, well, from Teaneck, New Jersey. "Marion, you know I love you," she was saying again. "So do the kids. I know you love us too. It's time to quit now, Marion. The tomatoes are in -- I had to have a kid do it this year -- you know my back. Come on, quit while you're ahead, you have enough now, you're the Champion, don't wait until you lose."

"Don't say that, Ingrid. You're gonna jinx me. I'm sorry about the tomatoes but I'm not gonna lose today, I know that, I had the dream again, you know, with the 'Thinking Song,' dum-dum-dah. I always win when I have that dream, I always --"

"Four and a half months," she said in a square-shouldered voice. "You said that after four months you'd quit for sure -- and before that it was three months and before that six weeks and --"

"I said I'd decide whether I'm gonna quit, not just oh-I'm-gonna quit, not --"

"So decide!" Ingrid burst out, all at once sobbing harder than she had the day before, harder even than she'd sobbed that night on their way home from the PTA meeting. "Decide! Marion!"

"I am deciding!" said Mort. "I'm thinking about it all the time, but you keep . . . you keep confusing me! Stop calling me . . . stop calling me that."

"What?"

"You know. Marion. I told you to stop calling me Marion, it messes up my concen --"

"But you are Marion, you -- " Ingrid inhaled a sob and it erupted as a wet rheumatic snort. "You! Y--"

She snarfed again and then Mort was jolted by a terrible squealing and a series of sharp reports on the phone, crackling like rifle fire.

"Ingrid!? Are you . . . what's . . .?! There was a long anxious pause, and then "Marion -- Mort -- whatever," she said, suddenly composed. "It's OK, the dog came in and I didn't see him and I stepped on him and I dropped the phone."

"What . . .dog?"

"What dog do you think? Trippy."

"Trippy? But you said Trippy was . . . was dead. You said --"

"Well he got better -- I mean, I thought he was, but he got better," said Ingrid. "But anyway. You have to decide. Today. Now."

"I can't stand this pressure, I can't --"

The voice cut him off. "Marion, honey, this has really got to stop. We have enough now. We don't need another snowmobile, or any more money, not this kind of money, it's not even real to you anyway. I don't know what's real to you anymore. You know that I hate it when they call you that, that name --"

"What, it's Mort, Mortimer Best, is that so bad? It's kind of fun and anyway it's lucky, I can't change it now. Like I told you a million times. It's just a TV name, so what? Hey, I'm the Champ. C'mon, I'm still on vacation. How many times do we have to go through this? This is my dream come true. . . . Honey. . . ."

The awful pause was abruptly ended by a fierce pounding on the door. "Hey, there's Burt with my ride, I gotta go. We'll talk tomorrow. Love you."

Mort threw on his clothes, still thinking, Champion. Champion for Life.

 

He was no longer frightened when Burt, the Assistant Director, ferried him back and forth each day from the motel to the studio, the whole sphere of his life here . . . Burt, who had begun his television career as a stunt driver on The Untouchables and still drove his battered Chevy like that. Mort had gradually learned to contain his gasps and not to clutch at the back of the driver's seat, which drove Burt crazy. Burt usually said nothing for the entire journey -- unless it took longer than the 23 minutes he allotted for it, which would make him erupt with curses and threats. This was Mort's entire experience of the L.A. freeway and it was enough to convince him that he'd be insane to chance it on his own, despite the three or four cars he'd supposedly won so far.

"Smoke" was telecast five times a week from a vast decrepit warehouse in a forbidding industrial district of Torrance, California -- a place less like Hollywood than like the parts of New Jersey he was on vacation from. ("Look, it's independently produced," Mort had explained to Ingrid as a reason for "Smoke's" not emanating from a fancy Hollywood network studio.) He didn't care any more, not when he was winning.

As usual, Mort made his way through the back door and into a maze of narrow passages, past piles of lumber and crudely bricked-up doorways, into rooms that were rabbit warrens of plywood partitions, over great coils of electrical cables and scrap plastic duct. He was on his way to Make-up, past Mr. Mellon's office, past the bitterly cold air-conditioned Testing Room where he had first become a Contestant so very long ago. Everywhere there was a fierce racket of pounding hammers and screaming drills and whining power saws. It always seemed strange, as he edged and clambered and stumbled along, that he never saw any workmen at all, only the detritus of their work, and he heard no voices, only the clamor of their tools. "Smoke" was still a new show, still evolving around the sun-like constant of Mortimer's victories.

The sound stage was a large, dank space that had once been slightly more than half of a basketball court, cut diagonally with a wall made up of dirty plywood panels on which were fastened random hunks of fibrous ceiling material, all covered with years' accumulation of dust and cobwebs. (Mort asked about this wall once and Burt grumbled, not looking at him, "Deadens the sound.") The set itself was also made of plywood, with all the visible surfaces painted bright primary colors while the unseen and unpainted sides of the contestants' and even the host's lecterns still showed traces of concrete from when these panels had been used as construction forms. The audience sat invisible in the dark on bleachers at an oblique angle to the set, and between the bleachers and the set there was a swarm of cables, cameras, and lighting equipment. In all his time on the show, Mort never learned the names of the technicians who roamed the set with clipboards and earphones. Once he tried to greet one of them with a friendly hello; Burt hissed, "He can't even hear you," gesturing angrily at his ears.

Mort let all this pass in his daily excitement. There was fever a-building; he could feel it. The sound of the audience filing in, the hurried instructions from Randy, the Director, as Mort sat in a barber chair being made up, alongside that day's two new Challengers, who were usually thrilled just to be there at all . . . it was magic, he loved it all.

And then: showtime. Mort took his place, the Champion's place. The lights bore down on him, hot and pure and sweet. Burt whipped the audience like an arsonist invoking the god of fire, and Mr. Mellon's taped basso intoned the opening, which by now Mort could recite almost as a mantra: "Welcome to Smoke, the ever-so-conscious game of the Unconscious Mind, the Royal Road to the Land of Dreams, where your dreams of Fun and Prizes all come true, and now here's our Host . . . Ned Henderson!"

"Smoke" was fundamentally simple, basically a question-&-answer game with a free-association twist. A "cloud" of categories -- Jazz Musicians, Leguminous Vegetables, Toys of Other Lands, Famous Secrets -- would appear at the start of each round, and one by one clues would appear under each category, all but one, which would light up with dancing question marks, and that contained the Secret Word to be discerned by the contestants, or as everyone incorrectly put it, the "question" to be answered. The clues would collectively indicate the Secret Word in some arcane way. "Bix Beiderbeck," "Red Lentils," "Chanukah Dreidel," and similar clues would light up one by one as the players struggled to find a common denominator in the category Spanish Explorers. Players each had five seconds to blurt out a guess -- "Cortez!" "Magellan!" -- before the Big Buzz sounded, ending that player's turn. Meanwhile, the insidiously catchy "Thinking Song" played over and over, question marks whirled and jigged, and Ned winkingly cautioned the audience not to shout out wrong answers, which they did anyway with all the more gusto. The tension would build almost unbearably until someone would finally hit upon the correct response, "Hernando de Soto," upon which a prize would appear at the feet of the winning Contestant.

 

It so happened that part of the daily format on "Smoke" was a short interview with each of the Contestants, normally an innocuous and insipid question followed by an innocuous and insipid answer. "So, Bob, I understand you've done a little skydiving in your time." (Scattered whoops from the audience followed by muted titters.) "Well that's right Ned I mean well really just once I took this well it was like a course you know and . . . ." A painful pause, barely rescued by beaming Ned: "Well, that's just great, Bob, and now let's go on to our returning Champion, Mort, who has amassed, well, let's just say a tidy sum, a very tidy sum indeed, hey hey hey."

The obvious, outward public facts about Mort's life were exhausted after only a few days of questioning. From Teaneck, New Jersey. Originally from Scranton. Yes, married. Ingrid. Two kids. Teddy and Jennifer. Yes, shower curtains, we make shower curtains and other bathroom products. Well, actually it's an Associate's Degree, Ned.

The questions regarding Ingrid grew fewer and fewer, much to Mort's relief. What more was there to say about Ingrid anyway? What more was there to say to Ingrid? For the first several months Mort and Ingrid conversed daily on the phone, and Mort learned of one missed one family milestone after another: his son's first basketball game (his team lost), the baby's first tottering steps (she fell), the first deliveries of Mort's prizes to Teaneck (they were broken).

After a few weeks the questions grew more probing . . . insinuating, even. "So, Mort, any truth to the rumor that you continued, well you know, even after you were married . . . ?" Ned gestured obscenely, and the wild hoops and hollers from the audience terrified Mort at first, as he tried to stammer out a lie or an evasion. "I don't see how you can . . . I mean, no, no, I don't even know what you're talking about, I . . . no." It was not during this period that Mort became a folk hero, with fans and detractors, and the mail began pouring in, and the ratings soared, and Mort became very, very happy. No, all that came a bit later. No one remembers the merciless humiliations visited on Mort. No one remembers the pain he was made to suffer under the lash of Ned's interrogations. No one remembers!

Then one day, as the questioning crept towards him, and the audience began to laugh and chant pro- and anti-Mort slogans at Burt's instigation (Mort-Mort-don't-retort, Mort-Mort-don't-retort. . . . ) (Whatcha-gonna-say-today, Whatcha-gonna-say-today. . . .), just as Ned's face was forming an inquisitive leer, Mort began to weep, and as his tears sparkled in the glaring TV spotlights, a hush fell over the mob -- the sound of one hand clapping! -- and then two hands, and then a cloudburst of wild applause and cheering. Mort became a hero that day, a game-show immortal; there was no going back.

As Mort's real life -- his old Teaneckian life as Marion W. Clay -- had been gradually drained of information, he became a walking, breathing fictional character, the way that living wood slowly, gradually becomes petrified wood. Henceforth Ned's questions to Mort concerned his fine deeds, his exploits of wit and daring, his fine-honed intellect. He blushed and denied having saved nineteen "special" children from a bus that had plunged into icy waters; he grinned and chuckled, "No, no!" when Ned cajoled him about his chess championship, or his webbed toes. The more he denied the more he was adored for his modesty and the subtlety of his wit. And each day his legend grew -- why couldn't Ingrid understand that? -- and all the top TV script guys vied for the honor of submitting the next day's question.

 

The real breakthrough for "Smoke" came a few months after its inception, when Mr. Mellon convinced canny syndicators to move the show from its late-morning time slot clear across the clock to midnight. A new ad campaign struck just the right note. Once every hour a lovely model wearing little more than a golden nightcap and a very loose midnight-blue "Smoke"-ing jacket cooed, "Tonight. Midnight. Wouldn't you like to come and dream with me?" Although the show was still taped in the middle of the day, it began to draw a new kind of crowd, younger and rowdier and hipper, the kind of people who fed on "Smoke's" inside humor exactly because there was no getting the jokes.

The game was fast becoming ritualized, and in that first year of "Smoke's" run the show's popularity grew with each elaboration of the rites. The audience sang along with the "Thinking Song," and stamped their feet twice after the final note -- always twice, never one time or three times. The same category, Fruits of the Orient, always seemed to come up "randomly" for Mort, to wild, rapturous applause. When losing Contestants were escorted off the stage just before the Grand Prize Round, the audience would chant: "Fair-and-square, fair-and-square, fair-and-square . . ." and Mort would once again be arrayed in the Champion's midnight-blue "Smoke"-ing jacket and golden nightcap.

At first the Grand Prize was different each time -- a car or a boat or a giant sack with a big dollar sign on it -- but more and more regularly the Grand Prize was The Rest of the Secrets, a rough, heavy-looking box, supposedly iron, really plastic, covered with chains and padlocks, and large enough to hold a person -- in fact, it did hold a person, a child, whose little legs protruded through holes in the bottom so the box could tapdance onto the stage while the audience whistled (always whistled, never sang) "Some Enchanted Evening." Mort kept winning The Rest of the Secrets (and wagering it away, and winning it again only to lose it again); once a week Ned would offer Mort the chance finally to open the box, but just at the moment of revelation the "Thinking Song" would strike up again, signaling the end of the show. Maybe next time . . . there seemed to be no end of next times in those days.

Later, after autographs and fan mail, Burt shook his keys and pointed mutely at the door. Back to The Trumpeter's Arms, back to a barely warm meal served in small foam containers, back to the bed with its extra pillow and its Magic Fingers and its dreams that just kept coming true.

 

The Second Season

Evelyn W. Marcus was chosen as a "Smoke" Contestant at the same time as Mort -- that is, on the very first day the show was telecast. She had lost, well, fair and square, fair and square, but on the first day of "Smoke's" second year Mr. Mellon and Randy had the idea of bringing her back as a regular Challenger for Mort's crown -- that is, for the golden nightcap. At first, of course, Mort couldn't have cared less; he'd beaten her once, he'd beat her again . . . and again and again, if that's what it took.

This was not exactly the same mousy little Evelyn Mort had beaten so handily a year before. Now she was Renate du Lac, the Lady in the Green Dress, and she took up residence in the room next to his in The Trumpeter's Arms, and accompanied him every day to and from the studio. Her rustling silks became part of the pre-game music Mort faced each day. Mort no longer felt quite so lordly in his make-up chair, not with Renate just a few feet away, Renate with her very own hairdresser and manicurist. She'd had plenty of coaching in that hiatus, anyone could see that. Her voice was now a sinuous purr, her words erudite and her syntax impeccable. Her lips seemed fuller than before, and Mort couldn't stop himself from noticing the new perfection of her figure.

She was cast as Mort's foil; that is, she was sly and dark whereas he was guileless and open. She would be the well-bred intellectual; he the K-Mart Everyman. Both had their partisans. Generally the bulk of the fan mail still favored the Mortian dynasty, but occasionally, maybe once every ten days or so, Renate carried home the heavier mail sack. It was during this time, too, that Mort began to receive those unsettling anonymous hate letters, with the message "one day She will win" arranged in letters cut from newspapers. All right then, thought Mort, I'm still the Champion, let no one forget that.

Ned too began to develop a following of his own, to cultivate a certain persona, less the snide-yet-oleaginous emcee type, more the reserved, professorial, even faintly melancholy type. He took to wearing outsized spectacles (just windowpanes; his eyes were fine) and tweed jackets with leather elbow patches. Ned became a kind of philosophe for the tabloid set, and in fact managed to land a weekly column in USA Today where he aired his homespun views beneath headlines like "Why All the Fuss?" and "What Makes Me So Sad." Newsweek once gave him two and a half pages to enlarge upon the state of "Games and Play in Today's America." Naturally enough there were numerous references to his colleagues on "Smoke" and in this very same issue, it turned out, there was a highly favorable review of "Smoke" with special distinction given to both Mr. Mellon, "the genius behind the dream" and to Mort himself, hailed as "America's finest dreaming mind."

This was the pinnacle of "Smoke's" success. Given the enormous splash the show made during that period, it was inevitable, then, that the waters would grow dark with circling sharks.

 

Yea, the media buildeth up, and the media dasheth down. The question Is "Smoke" a fix? became a hot topic. There wasn't much real evidence beyond the murmured accusations of a few disgruntled former employees, but the case of "Smoke" became a national bellwether for a short time. Commentators like George F. Will grumbled in print about the rising tide of sham in our national life; comics found the allegations about "Smoke" to be an almost inexhaustible source of material. What particularly galvanized public attention was the figure of Mort himself, Mort and his uncanny knack of summoning up the answers to increasingly arcane and bizarre questions, usually at some critical moment in the show when it looked as though Renate would finally unseat him. As the "Thinking Song" wound mercilessly down to its final note, Mort's face would run bloodless through all the stages of terror and despair, and an excruciating instant before the Big Buzz he would blurt out "Fresno, California!" or "1623!" or "Coelacanths!" and the audience would burst into ecstatic applause, delirious with the joy of Mort's having delivered the goods once again.

Mort quite inadvertently brought much of the speculation on himself with a couple of chance remarks that were featured on all the network news shows. One was Mort's first sally of completely unscripted wit, which caught the Director and cameramen entirely off-guard and spoiled the lead-in to a commercial, and which met with a furious response from Randy after the show. Just a few days later he was in hot water again with his correct response -- "Nassau, the House of Orange!" -- to a question for which even Mr. Mellon had anticipated a wrong answer; what pissed them off, as much as his temerity to ad lib, was his prefacing his answer, "Oh! I know this one!"

"That was risky, Mort. Very dumb and risky," Burt growled, as Mort was getting out that evening at the motel.

But still: was "Smoke" a fix? As with all interesting questions, the answer is: yes and no. In the beginning the show was absolutely committed to irreproachable honesty, and Mort's first few triumphs were real enough. Later, though, the question-setters were "invited" by the Director to examine Mort's file, to learn his background and hobbies, and to find therein a rich source of question material. Aha, so Mort had once been given to long rambles in the woods to collect mushrooms. No wonder, then, that the category Fungus Among Us came up so often.

Mort knew nothing of this; his conscience was clear. He could rest peacefully each night in The Trumpeter's Arms, dreaming an infinity of victories, and in time he could dream well into the morning light, because the calls from Teaneck had long since stopped disturbing him. (It was only much later, near the end, that books and magazines would appear mysteriously on the little nightstand beside Mort's bed each morning, with bookmarks inserted here and there, showing the way to highlighted passages. . . . But that's getting ahead of the story.)

 

At the height of the show's fame, a "reporter" appeared at Mort's door at 6:30 am one day, with a photographer looming behind him. When Mort answered their knock they burst in, the reporter shouting, "Is it true that the door between your room and Miss du Lac's is unlocked?" as the photographer snapped pictures of a sleepy, bewildered Mortimer in his faded pajamas and of the door (or "gateway of love" as it appeared in the next issue of the National Enquirer). The reporter tried the knob; it turned easily. Finding the door sticky, he threw his shoulder against it twice before it sprang open, to reveal Renate -- Renate powdered and coifed, Renate attired in a shimmering green satin negligée, Renate caught dabbing perfume into her cleavage. "Oh!" she cried.

As the photographer snapped away, the reporter stood in the doorway grinning demonically and breathing hard from his exertions. He drew a pocket tape-recorder from his pants and thrust it at Renate. "Miss du Lac! Any truth to the rumors that you've secretly married Mr. Best? That you're expecting Mr. Best's love-child?"

She blushed demurely and with a shy girlish smile murmured, "No comment" in a low, breathy voice that Mort had never heard before.

 

The Final Season

By the time of the show's second anniversary, everything was coming unglued. The tabloids and even the legitimate press were full of gleeful tattlings about Mort and Renate, Ned lost his stature as pundit, and articles began to appear with titles like "As the Dream Goes Sour." There was a new meanness in the audiences that showed up in Torrance, a meanness that seemed to give the show a nasty smell.

Mr. Mellon responded to the subsequent plummet in "Smoke's" ratings with lots of frantic tinkering that only made a bad job worse. Randy began to drink heavily and would sometimes give himself over to fits of sobbing, blubbering to anyone who would listen, "Mellon's lost it. Lost it!"

Mr. Mellon's first big gamble was to recast the show as "Smoke Deluxe." During this short-lived phase, there would be no more of the childish, harmless little tortures -- a dousing of water, a pie in the face -- meted out to contestants who gave wrong answers; all that was eschewed as undignified. Ned and even Mort had to wear tuxedoes, Renate a tiara and a lorgnette. There were more categories like 18th-Century Opera and fewer like Wrestling Greats.

Most significant of all, the program experimented with celebrity contestants in the place of the poor anonymous lambs who were always sacrificed to Mort and Renate. Sure enough, there was a brief surge in the ratings, but soon it became apparent that the chemistry of the show had been altered for the worse. Mortimer and Renate and even Ned seemed to lose their special shine when juxtaposed with such luminaries as Dr Joyce Brothers, Tony Orlando, and Charro. By then, of course, Mortimer and Renate were celebrities in their own right, but it was different with them -- the world of their fame was tightly contained within the format of the show, and it was jarring to see "real" celebrities alongside them. One of the photos in a Time magazine exposé showed Don Knotts gesticulating maniacally while Mort stood nearby with an oddly sad, troubled expression. The caption said it all: "What's wrong with this picture?"

The ratings recovered only briefly before resuming their inexorable descent, and then when the end was in sight Mr. Mellon saw fit to reshuffle the deck yet again, and "Smoke Classic" brought back the pies and pratfalls. By then, though, it was too late, and there remained one final desperate gambit to be tried: Mort would have to lose.

In order to maximize the splash this would make, Mr. Mellon and Randy began a whispering campaign for the benefit of the press to the effect that Mort was vulnerable, that he was not a shill as nearly everyone now believed, that the standards of Challengers were forever improving, and that Renate had learned about "smart drugs" and was looking particularly sharp lately, etc. There was even a date being bandied about for Mort's possible demise: November 11, right at the height of Sweeps Week. When he heard this, he felt a slight pang: that was the anniversary of Marion and Ingrid's wedding, so very long ago, so very far away in New Jersey.

 

On the morning of Friday, November 2nd, Mort climbed wearily into the Chevy. Renate was late. Again. Mort hadn't slept well himself, and he hadn't dreamed in weeks. Burt broke his morning silence for the first time in over two years. He twisted his attention toward the back seat and croaked: "You're history, pal. They're writing you out. I saw."

"Saw what? Who?"

"Doesn't matter. I know."

"What do you know? How do you know?" Mort asked in alarm.

"I like knowin stuff. Really knowin stuff." That "really" was a dig, Mort knew. Just then Renate, looking shopworn and flyblown, emerged from her room. Burt would say no more.

The following Monday, the 5th of November, Burt never turned up at all. Renate, Mort learned from the desk clerk, had checked out of The Trumpeter's Arms on Saturday, leaving no forwarding address. A strange mood settled over Mort, one he had never quite experienced before, compounded of sleeplessness, enormous relief, and barely suppressed panic. With the last of the money in his wallet he paid a taxi driver to take him to the studio, and was not surprised to find the door locked and a crudely hand-lettered sign taped to it: "Canselled."

Mort spent the better part of the afternoon circling the building, searching for an entrance. He heard muffled shouts inside -- somebody must have found a way in. At last he found a three-foot length of pipe and was able to pry open a flimsy freight door. He slipped inside, and waited a few moments for his eyes to adjust to the gloom. Everything was different. The labyrinth of plywood corridors was gone, dismantled into more or less neat stacks. Mr. Mellon's office was empty. The photos were gone, the big desk was gone. Mort hurried to the sound stage. There were no cameras, no cables, no sets. Nothing -- just some young men playing basketball on the court where a diagonal line of grime was all that was left of the acoustic wall.

"Can I watch?" Mort called out to the men, and when they ignored him he climbed to the top row of the bleachers and took a seat. As he watched the game progress below, he found himself softly whistling "The Thinking Song."

 

 

© Michael Fleming

Covelo, California

June 1996

 

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